by Rabbi Yisrael Rutman

How to raise children is a perennial national discussion. Questions of how to discipline, how to educate, how many children to have and at what stage of life, who to care for them, the extent of parental responsibility, even how much anxiety and guilt to suffer, are debated endlessly in the media and at home.

Amid the broad range of advice, professional and homegrown, there is one species of advice which is often neglected (take a deep breath here): Blessings. It’s considered out of place in an academic discussion where scientific studies are cited; the university campus, not the place of worship, is the authority. But it’s unfortunate. The impulse to bestow blessings, especially on one’s own offspring, is universal. In fact, people do it all the time without realizing it, when, for example, they wish someone success in business, or happiness in marriage. They are conferring their best wishes—their blessings. The word “blessing” need not be used, nor God’s name invoked. Nor does one have to be religious to bless others or wish them well; even atheists and agnostics do it.

Why? Perhaps it’s a natural expression of positive feeling; and encouragement increases the recipient’s chances of success. But there’s more to it than that. It’s a practice as old as mankind; it goes back to the many blessings mentioned in the Torah. In these blessings, the understanding is that the Creator is the source of all life and all blessing. We have power to affect others’ lives for the good if we call upon God’s help. (Whether that help is forthcoming or not depends on the merits of the people involved, a calculation beyond mortal knowing. We can only try and do our part. There are no guarantees.)

An entire portion of the Torah, Vayechi, features the blessings conferred by Yaakov on his children and grandchildren, the founding family of the Jewish people. Of one of them the Torah itself predicts that it will be the mode of benediction for future generations. That’s the blessing given to Yosef’s sons, Ephraim and Menashe, which indeed continues to be the traditional text for the blessing of children every Friday night right down to our own generation: “May you be like Ephraim and Menashe…” (Genesis 48:20). Just as they were righteous upholders of their parents’ faith, so we ask for God to favor us with such children.

Although all of Yaakov’s children received his blessings in this chapter, only Ephraim and Menashe, his grandchildren, were destined to be the archetype for parental blessing. That’s because they were the only members of the family at that time to be raised outside of the land of Israel. In spite of the idolatrous culture of ancient Egypt, they and their father Yosef, the viceroy to Pharaoh, successfully resisted assimilation. Though the only Jewish family in a foreign land, they remained true to their tradition. Given that the lure of assimilation proved perhaps the greatest challenge that Jews were to face in the coming centuries, the Torah’s prophetic choice of blessing here is stunning.*

The Torah does not neglect the form of blessing, either, that it must be tailored to the recipient. Each of Yaakov’s blessings is uniquely designed to match the personality of the progenitors of Israel. Ephraim and Menashe is a case in point, where Yaakov gave precedence to Ephraim, though younger than Menashe. Yosef presented Menashe facing Yaakov’s right hand, Ephraim to his left. Yaakov insisted on placing his right hand cross-wise on Ephraim because he decided that the right, traditionally the primary side, should be reserved for him. Why didn’t he ask Yosef to switch the alignment rather than this awkward hands-on? Because the hand-on-head conveys the spritual blessings of righteousness and wisdom, suitable for Ephraim. At the same time, Yaakov wanted Menashe facing his left leg, which represents the transmission of material blessing, which was best suited for Menashe. The Friday night blessing of children invokes both Ephraim and Menashe for each child, since, without Yaakov’s insight, we can’t know which of the blessings would be more appropriate.** Still, it’s a teaching embedded here deep in Jewish tradition that not only blessing, but childraising in general, has to be planned with the unique personality of each child in mind.

So with so much at stake, American parents are right to be greatly concerned about their children. Though it’s a shame that they aren’t encouraged to bless them. Blessings are easy. They don’t cost anything, and you don’t have to be a Torah scholar, either. The traditional formula, the patriarch Yaakov’s own words straight from the Torah is best; but you can also compose your own, or do both. Although Friday night is the best time, when the household is relatively calm and, according to Kabbalah, all the channels of blessing are open, you can give blessings any time you want.

It is natural for a loving parent to do everything possible to ensure his or her child’s success and happiness in life. If we are willing to spend on the best possible education, the best health care, the best clothing, the best summer camp and winter vacation, why deny them the best of our blessings?

* The question is asked why it is that while it says that Yaakov also blessed Yosef, the Torah does not say what the blessing was, even though it elaborates on the blessing of his sons (Genesis 48:15; only later does Yosef receive an explicit blessing). The Zohar explains that it’s because the primary success in life is through one’s children. By blessing Yosef with righteous children, his father Yaakov was giving him the greatest of all blessings.

This explains why it is that the traditional blessing offered at a brit milah (Sefardi) is that the newborn should merit “Torah, chupah (marriage canopy) and good deeds.” Certainly, marriage is not a pre-requisite for good deeds. However, if we understand that one’s most important impact on the world is through one’s children, then we can understand that the “good deeds” in the blessing refer to the person’s children, not his own, and they come after marriage.

** This explanation is from HaEmek Davar.

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